i'll wait up for that noise

when you're little, your whole life is up

Joseph Conrad, "Heart of Darkness"

"Droll thing life is--that mysterious arrangement of merciless logic for a futile purpose. The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself--that comes too late--a crop of unextinguishable regrets. I have wrestled with death. It is the most unexciting contest you can imagine. It takes place in an impalpable grayness, with nothing underfoot, with nothing around, without spectators, without clamour, without glory, without the great desire of victory, without the great fear of defeat, in a sickly atmosphere of tepid skepticism, without much belief in your own right, and still last in that of your adversary. If such is the form of ultimate wisdom, then life is a greater riddle than some of us think it to be."

And the swans are all huddled together

Going on 25

(How can people live such long lives?)

skin bag full of bones

It isn't emptiness, per se.





I like babies because they remind me that I'm an animal.
I like cats and dogs because they don't talk.

If I were an alien, I wonder what I'd think of humans, of mankind. I try to pretend, and all I can imagine feeling is pity, the alien equivalent of clicking my tongue. But I guess it depends.

Cultivate your forgettableness. The aptness to be forgotten is a skill. Disappear from the memories of others swiftly, softly, in a way that makes oafs out of whispers. Stretch out inside the sticky suit of shadow, lengthen your fingers, arch your back and twist like a cat. Bruise your ego, the contusions sink swimmingly; let yourself hemmorrhage away in wisps. The outside will be like grayish puss, you'll be a thing that doesn't fester, but doesn't heal. You'll be mucous, a dreaming blob. Drip silent drops into brains passing by, drops that add to fluid without adding mass, displacing nothing. You'll be everyone eventually, but nobody will be you.

Leslie Marmon Silko

"[In] Ceremony I worked with some of the old stories, for example the Ck'o'yo gambler, Pa'caya'nyi, he was a magician and in the old story he came and he tricked the people into neglecting their care of the corn fields, of their devotion to the corn mother. This magician told them they didn't have to work hard, by magic he could do things. Listen to him, come to him. So, in the story, the people leave their corn fields and neglect the corn mother's altar and they are amazed by this magician. But that is all that it was, all magic. And while the people were enamored by this magician, the corn mother became angered and sad and then she left. And all the animals left and all the plants went away, a great drought came. The people found themselves in a terrible disaster, they had been lured away by this flashy, interesting, fast-talking conman.

So in Ceremony we have in this old story the idea that we human beings are not dependable creatures, we are easily lured from one way or another, we get out of balance and out of harmony with our natural surroundings and also we can get out of harmony with one another. And then it is quite difficult and painful but necessary to make a kind of ceremony to find our way back.

I began to realize that hasn't changed. Human beings can have lessons of things that happened in the past, in history, and say Look, this is what happens. But somehow people sometimes won't pay attention, won't listen and we have to suffer through and have to learn again, remember all over again why it is that we have to have a certain respect or care for hard work and for working with one another. There is no magic that is going to hand things over."

4:21pm: Landon Pigg, "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop"

4:25pm: The Temptations, "I Wish it Would Rain"

10:10pm: Marky Mark, "Good Vibrations" (same person as before)

10:49pm: Toby Keith, "How Do You Like me Now?!"

4:23pm: Jane's Addiction, "Jane Says"

4:35pm: Michael Jackson, "Thriller" (2ndx)

5:40pm: "Hi, this is C--------. I can't get to my cell phone, so if you leave me a name, number, and a cute little message, I'll try to get back to you. Bye."

4:42pm: Spanish-language fancy dance song, a tango song maybe?

5:03pm: Mary Mary, "God in Me" (3rdx)

5:25pm: Led Zeppelin, that one really epic song

5:50pm: Miley Cyrus, "The Climb" (2ndx)

6:08pm: Akon, "Beautiful"

11:26pm: Mary Mary, "God in Me" (4thx)

11:35pm: "Hey, this is K-------. You've reached my cell phone. Your call is important to me, so for God's sake, leave a message. If you're calling from a blocked or private number, I do not answer those. so unblock it and try again."

11:39pm: Shania Twain, "From This Moment On" (same person as last time)

11:42pm: J. Holiday, "Run into My Arms" (same person as last time)

11:50: Mary J. Blige, "Just Fine"

7:50pm: U2, "With or Without You"

8:17pm: Kanye West, "Love Lockdown"

9:41pm: Sugarland, "Stay"

10:21pm: Alicia Keys, "Doesn't Mean Anything" (3rdx)

10:27pm: Will.I.Am., "It's a New Day" (2ndx)

10:39pm: KC & JoJo, "All My Life"

10:49pm: Darlene Zschech, "Shout to the Lord" (2ndx)

10:57pm: Disney's Cinderella, "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo"

11:06pm: J. Holiday, "Run into My Arms"

11:10pm: "I'm so glad you called. This is xxx-xxxx. If you would like to talk to L----, leave a message. God bless."
same person, diff number: "This is xxx-xxxx. May God bless you."

11:23pm: Shania Twain, "From This Moment On"

11/11

4:24pm: "It's not about how to survive in the storm, but merely how to dance in the rain. Leave a message.""

4:27pm: Keyshia Cole, "We Could Be"

4:30pm: George Strait, "I Saw God Today"

4:41pm: spanish language, female vocalist, cross between a dance song and ballad?

4:53pm: some remix of EasyTech track "I'm the Sexy Girl"

5:05pm: that Elvis remix song

5:38pm: cowboy whistling song with a drum beat

6:00pm: "Yes, just leave us a message. Thank you s'much."

7:23pm: Keri Hilson, "Knock You Down" (2ndx)

8:01pm: Two WHOLE minutes of a hip hop song recorded on the outbound voicemail message. Quote-"She said, 'I like the way yo chains swing,/I just wanna fuck, I don't have to be yo main thing." The chorus was something like SIX OH OH. "Errbody in the club" was also mentioned.

9:42pm: "Okayyyy, evvvvverybody knows the deal. M'phone's off 'cause I'm at work or a'sleepin'."

10:31pm: Barry White, "Practice What You Preach"

11:26pm: (hold music) Nickelback, "Far Away"

4:05pm: Michael Jackson, "Thriller"

4:36pm: Brooks & Dunn, "Cowgirls Don't Cry" --- male

4:45pm: Beyoncé, "Ego"

5:22pm: Will.I.Am., "It's a New Day"

5:55pm: Letoya, "Regret"

6:01pm: Black Eyed Peas, "I Gotta Feeling"

6:22pm: "Obviously since you got this darn answering machine, my phone's not on. Sorry. See yaaaaa."

9:48pm: Orgy, "Fiction (Dreams In Digital)"

10:13pm: Darlene Zschech, "Shout to the Lord"

10:32pm: Jessie James, "Wanted"

10:35pm: John Legend, "Everybody Knows"

5:02pm: Eric Hutchinson, "Ok, It's Alright With Me"

5:51pm: Keith Sweat, "Nobody"

7:01pm: Jay Sean, "Down"

8:01pm: Lady Gaga, "Papparazi" rang to an outbound vm of a child singing Cher's, "If I Could Turn Back Time"
--same person, diff number: mediocre rap with vocoder, male making several sexual advances to a female using various metaphors and curse words

9:37pm: Michael Jackson, "Susie Got Your Number"

10:57pm: Eric Hutchinson, "Ok, It's Alright With Me" (2ndx)

11:04pm: updated version of Super Mario Bros. theme song (i.e. not the original)

5:15pm: "African Recovery Institute and Power of the African People. Please leave your name and number. Blocked and restricted calls--try again. We don't do those. African Power."

5:57pm: Plies, "Kept It Too Real"

7:33pm: Shinedown, "Second Chance"

7:47pm: George Strait, "Amarillo by Morning"

7:48pm: "Hey guys, it's Heather. You know what to do."

7:57pm: Shakira, "She-Wolf" in spanish

9:01pm: "Sorry if you reached this message. I was probably at work or playing with my boys or just bein' lazy. Leave a number and I'll call you back!"

9:26pm: Simpsons Theme Song

9:31pm: "You got Ryan. Leave it at the beep. Have a good day."

4:58pm: "This is Smiley G aka Life THE MEAN CHILD DMC Y'already know it's me. So go ahead and leave a message because one of my little brothers has my phone. If you don't like it then you can move around 'cause it's all of us against all of us or all of yall against none of us. believe that. damn yall gotta leave a message don't you. if you talk to my little brother, he prolly cuss you out. "

5:30pm: muffled spanish language dance song

7:37pm: Alicia Keys, "Superwoman"

8:38pm: Erykah Badu, "My People"

9:14pm: Mariah Carey, "Obsessed"

9:26pm: Birdman, "Always Strapped"

10:07pm: Carrie Underwood, "Jesus Take the Wheel"

6:12pm: Miley Cyrus, "The Climb"

6:15: "H-hello. Uh. This is. You've reached-uh. Club two. Regarding David R------ in the club right now. We'll get back to you as soon as we get into the club. Have a good night. Thank you."

7:04pm: Sublime, acoustic "Boss DJ"

8:40pm: Mary Mary, "God in Me"

9:04pm: ringback-muffled r&b slow jam, something about dreams and closing your eyes

11:25pm: Keri Hilson, "Knock You Down"

a still more glorious dawn awaits

What I Want the Most Right Now

1. a bicycle
2. a digital SLR
3. a plane ticket to SF